8/21/2005

the Sunday of all Sundays

Tomorrow is the first day of the new semester. So today is a Sunday overloaded with more of the catching-up burdens than even my usual Sundays tend to be. But because I'm trying to be a saner person, and because I believe in rituals, my gf & I have already set a firm plan to go to a movie later on this afternoon. (We have fallen in to a terrible pattern of saying "we'll go to a movie in the evening" and then just doing work or watching a DVD at home.) I already know that I can't do everything today, so I might as well also do something fun.

My parents used to always take us out for ice cream cones (which was a very unusual treat in my childhood) the night before the first day of school -- it was sort of a combination event, meant to assuage our sadness about the end of vacation, to soothe our anxiety about the first day of school, and probably to celebrate the start of school on their part.

Thankfully, I don't feel that anxiety any longer, since starting the semester at the University doesn't involve skirmishes with bullies (or at least not of the physical kind of skirmish that used to scare me as a kid). And, frankly, although I would love to have more time, I'm not especially sad about the end of summer. I find the summer a real challenge for me -- both in organizing so much unstructured time and in setting realistic goals. The fantasy version of my summer never quite works out in reality. Once I can settle into the groove for the semester, I usually function a bit better.

I've drawn up a plan for my weekly schedule for the fall term -- the real test will be in the next two weeks. Can I commit to getting up early? can I fit in at least three 20-minute blocks of writing every day? (I know that sounds small but the 20-minute timed block has been working well for me as a first step towards incremental daily research productivity, rather than the exhausting writing binges I've done for years.) The beginning of the fall term always seems just as much of a New Year, and a time for resolutions, than January.

My resolutions, then:
  • take my vitamins every day
  • get up early and go to early morning yoga, even on teaching days
  • go to the gym at least two days per week
  • fulfill three 20-minute writing blocks every day
  • spread out my teaching prep so I don't have to stay up late the night before (I've been re-reading Boice's admonishments about applying the same principles that work for writing to teaching prep, and recognize that I have some bad habits)
  • commit to the weekly review
Now I'd better go finish up my syllabi . . .

8/18/2005

dog (and cat) love

I just started reading Caroline Knapp's Pack of Two: the Intricate Bond Between People and Dogs, which I picked up at the public library this afternoon. I'm only about halfway through, but I'm really enjoying it. It's a kind of memoir about Knapp's relationship with her young dog, Lucille, who she adopted as a 10 week old puppy, interlaced with observations from interviews she did with other dog owners, trainers, veternarians, and psychologists. Her willingness to be honest about the depths of her affection for her dog, and the meaning of that relationship in her life, is refreshing, since, as she notes, it's not always easy:
Fall in love with a dog, and among non-dog people, you will see eyebrows rise, expressions grow wary. . . . You'll say something that implies profound affection or commitment, and you'll be hit with the phrase, dreaded words to a dog lover, "Oh please, it's just a dog." . . . Attitudes like this can make dog lovers feel like members of a secret society, as though we're inhabiting a strange and somehow improper universe.
In its description of Knapp's emotional connection with her dog, her book reminds me a bit of Jon Katz's A Dog Year, although I think Knapp is a much more compelling writer. The book jacket mentions her previous memoir, about giving up alcohol, and she's pretty up front throughout this book about her difficulty with intimacy and relationships that she had covered up for 20 years with drink. The solace she finds with her dog is interspersed with self-questioning and doubt about the healthiness of her feelings.

Her interviews with various experts echoes one of Katz's other books, The New Work of Dogs, which makes some similar points -- that Americans today treat dogs very differently than they did 1 or 2 generations ago; that people lead fragmented, isolated lives, and that dogs provide love and companionship; and that people draw the boundaries of their relationships very differently. Bring up almost any topic about dogs, and everyone will have an opinion: what kind of training, collar, food, toys, etc. There are a zillion dog books, classes, and experts who espouse very different philosophies -- but all of this points to the increasing attention we give to our dogs, and the role they play in our families.




I wasn't always a dog person. I grew up with three elderly cats, who had all passed on by the time I was 11. Our family adopted a kitten a couple of years later, despite my mother's misgivings that we would all grow up and move away -- he was an irresistably cute (though not too bright) Himalayan, who lived into his 16th year. And for all the ways that cats and dogs are different (as are the people who love them) I grew up thinking of the cats as part of the family. It was customary to give them bits of our leftover food, to drip the water from the faucet for the one who liked to drink from it, to let them sleep on whatever furniture they wanted to.

When Mackerel passed away, I was in the second grade. I came home from school at lunchtime (because this was small town life, and I walked home for lunch) to learn that she'd been hit by a car, and taken to the vet, but hadn't made it. My parents brought her body home with them, and we dug a grave under the pine tree in the back yard. It was the first time I ever saw my father cry.

My parents kept us home from school the rest of the day so that we could mourn her together. The next day, when I went back to school and one of my friends asked where I had been, I explained about our cat. And later I heard her telling someone else how weird our family was, how silly it was to be sad about a cat. Right then, I learned that some people just didn't understand that love came in lots of flavors. Why put rules on it? I knew that Mackerel's death revealed to me depths of emotion in my parents that I never knew existed. I knew that my parents loved the cats in a way I could never understand. They'd had our cats before I even entered the world. Learning that they could feel sad, too -- sad enough to cry -- helped me understand them as real people, not just as my parents.

I haven't really thought much before tonight about how my early years with cats shaped the way I respond to our dogs. The differences between cat & dog lifestyle are so obvious, so overwhelming. But my parents never made a strong distinction between us and the cats, between humans and "pets" -- the cats were part of the family, each with her own preferences and personality, just like its human members. And that way of thinking lay dormant in me for all the years when I didn't live with animals, ready and waiting for me to let dogs into my heart.

working at home

So I've decided to work at home today. Most of what I want/need/ought to do can be done from home, and some of it has to be. I like the structure of going in to the office, but sometimes it can be distracting. It's just a different set of distractions than there are at the house. Plus, this is my last chance for a sort-of rebellious day (classes start Monday). Tomorrow I have to have my syllabi finished so I can photocopy them before the machine breaks (which it always does on the first day of classes). So tomorrow I'll be all professional at the office. Today, I'm home, unshowered, in t-shirt & shorts, trying to balance out the course prep with article writing and general organization. Having spent a lot of time at the office lately, it makes working at home seem more pleasant (and the reverse is usually true too).

good things worth remembering about working at home:
  • snacks! and caffeinated beverages of all sorts, ready to hand.
  • I get to be with the dogs -- one's snoozing on my foot right now as I type.
  • I can take care of some irritating life maintenance tasks that are weighing on me (bills, dishes, etc)
  • all my research materials are stored here
  • writing is the greatest thing to be doing, when it's going well. (at the moment I'm still gathering speed for the day, because I stayed up too late working last night and threw off my Virtuous Change My Life plan)
The trick for me is to figure out the right time when I need to get out of the house so as not to feel too squirrelly. I have to go to the post office & the bank, and maybe I'll gather up some reading and hit a cafe too in the late afternoon. But for now, I need to start setting the timer and focusing on the tasks at hand.

8/16/2005

travel tizzy

My long-time readers will remember that this fall I am going to a Big Deal Conference. So now I am experiencing a lot of anxiety:
  • I have to write a paper on totally new material. A paper I thought I was going to work on earlier this summer, but didn't. New material that I'm excited about but not yet fully immersed in so as to be super confident. New material that, if it goes well,will be a big boost to my New Research Project.
  • I will be seeing old mentors, Big Deal scholars, and assorted people I Ought to Network With. Plus a couple of old friends who live in the area.
  • The conference includes various meals (like a banquet you have to pay for) and events. Are these for losers? or will I be the loser if I don't go to them? (Bear in mind I'm shy and none of my close friends will be at this conference -- a few people I kind of know, that's all) The ones you have to pay for in advance are the worrisome ones because I have to fill out the general registration form.
  • I have too many travel options. Fly into city A, B, or C? rent a car from B or C and maybe even in A? how many nights stay? etc. At least it's a part of the country I am familiar with, so driving between cities would not be too stressful.
  • do I stay in one of the conference hotels, thereby encouraging random socializing on the conference shuttle bus? or do I stay somewhere else and pay for parking when driving my rental car to campus? (which, if I rent a car, I might do anyway if I feel the need to skip a morning session or something)
  • I'm vegan. Preplanned conference meals are almost never suitable, even when they have so-called "vegetarian" options. So I pack my suitcase full of Clif bars and feel kind of shaky and undernourished much of the time. Or I spend time getting away from the conference and eating better food, but thus not networking.
  • did I mention that I haven't been to a non-local conference in a couple of years?
  • would you believe that I usually like conferences? and that I expect to like this one, once I just make up my mind about these many options.

hooky

psst...I played hooky today. It was the last Monday that I'll be able to, after all. And I've been working an awful lot lately. Plus,my gf had the day off for the first time in 3 weeks. So we went out for noodles, saw a movie, and went to Target. Woo-hoo! school supplies, paper products, and a laundry basket! It was actually a really great day, enhanced by the slight guilty feeling as we go off to a matinee when everyone else is working. (Well, except for the 6 other people also at the 12:30 movie.)

We saw The Island and really liked it. (Yeah, big surpise, I disagree with most reviewers-- again.) If you like this genre of movie (think Dark City, Gattaca, Logan's Run) then you will like this one. If you don't like paranoid SF escape what-is-reality movies, then don't see it. I think too many people saw it because of MacGregor and Johanssen (sp?) rather than being fans of the genre. I actually found Scarlett less annoying than usual (she doesn't have much "acting" to do) and she almost (almost) looks old enough to be the romantic interest of the male lead (unlike so many of her other movies). But luckily clones have their sex drives suppressed so there isn't too much of that. Instead, there's lots of running, fast driving, and explosions. Plus a critique of capitalism, slavery, and unethical medical exploitation. For me, it worked well, since I find the whole notion of organ transplanting icky enough to begin with.

In other news, I appear to have screwed myself for tomorrow's getting up early since it's already midnight. But I've been really good the past few days . . . it's just not fully an ingrained habit yet I guess.

8/13/2005

pro java

Why doesn't Starbucks come up with a blended iced coffee drink with a protein booster? Or do they do this in other cities and I just haven't seen it? I made a pretty awesome coffee smoothie (coffee, soy milk, ice, soy protein powder) this afternoon which made me feel pumped up in both body and spirit. I can't be the only one who'd drink such a thing, right?

8/12/2005

more thoughts on clothing

After I wrote my post last night, I saw that Profgrrrl had spoken pretty emphatically against the Chronicle's perennial reconsideration of the whole topic of academic dress. I agree with some of her criticisms about particular comments in one of the essays, but I think the topic is important, even if it feels recycled to long-time Chronicle readers (or, dare I say, long-term bloggers).

Academic jobs are a strange mixture of private reflection and public performance. In any performance-based situation, how you present yourself is worth considering. And for those of us inclined towards the solitude and intellectual pursuits that are part of what we do, thinking about dress and performance may itself be a way of theorizing our academic selves.

The best teachers I know are definitely aware of what they are doing -- how they use all the resources at their command to reach their audience and achieve their goals. Voice pitch, volume, and speed; word choice; body language and movement; the selection of media; the pace of activities; and numerous other things are all part of the equation. And for many of us thinking carefully about how we dress for teaching is also part of creating a teaching persona. Who I am in the classroom is only one of several personae I adopt throughout my week as suits the context. I don't believe in hard and fast rules about "what to wear" that can be universally applied -- but I do believe in talking with new teachers (when I train GAs etc) about the impact that their choices can have. To claim that our dress and self-presentation has no impact on students is as false I think as it would be to say that it is the only thing that matters. It's one of many things that mix into the equation. But it is something that we have control over (I can't change my height, for instance) and is therefore worth thinking about.

Outside the classroom, our self-presentation inevitably affects how we are perceived by colleagues and administrators. The wearing of super-casual clothing (as James Lang's Chronicle piece details) is one conventional mode of self-presentation on academic campuses -- one that has claims to higher intellectual pursuits (too busy to care about clothes) and also maintains the cherished rebellious stance of many academics (not going to wear suits because they're associated with Power and Capital). But to adopt that mode (if it is not the dominant mode for your entire institution -- some small colleges, for instance, are very casual) requires a certain level of privilege -- of skin color, of class, and/or academic rank.

On my campus, for instance, only 20% of tenured or tenure-track faculty are women, and only 25% are non-white. Non-white faculty and women faculty definitely receive greater scrutiny from everyone -- administrators, colleagues, and students. When I say scrutiny, that's what I mean -- not necessarily positive or negative reactions, but definitely more attention is paid to you in every situation. Very, very few people of color on my campus wear super-casual clothing of the sort that Lang describes. Few women do either. (Frumpy, maybe, but that's a different issue.)

Do students make comments about teachers' appearance? Yes. Do faculty sometimes comment on collleagues' appearance during merit reviews or tenure discussions? Yes. Do we occasionally comment about our students' appearance? Of course. We're social animals and we inevitably make judgments about each other based on appearance. To pretend otherwise is to participate in that old grand illusion that academic life is only about the life of the mind, detached from the messy real world. That's not the academic life I live. I work in the world and get paid to think about the world. A nice combination.

8/11/2005

what (not) to wear

As summer winds down, and we get ready for the fall term to begin, I'm apparently not the only one thinking about what to wear. And look, for once these are Chronicle articles that don't make me fume! I don't agree with everything in any of these pieces, but the issues are real ones. Casual dress reads differently in the classroom or out of the classroom; on male bodies or female bodies; on white instructors and those of color; on older teachers or younger ones. It's never just a question about "can you wear X" or "you should wear Y."

I've been thinking about these questions in relation to my own closet as I try to get into the right frame of mind for the fall term. It's always hard, after a summer of slouching around in t-shirts, to even remember how it is that I usually dress for the classroom. I taught summer school this year, but I definitely relaxed my usual dress code out of a mixture of tenured defiance, the enforced camaraderie of meeting every day, and out of respect for the weather. So I even taught in jeans, which I usually reserve for Fridays or the occasional meeting day, but never a teaching day. And the thing is that I love wearing jeans. I have jeans that both feel good and look good, and when combined with boots and a jacket, look quite presentable -- definitely within the spectrum of casual professional dress that's typical on my campus. I have a lot of male colleagues who wear jeans every day -- mostly with a button down shirt, sometimes a tie. And it doesn't seem to detract from their authority in any way. And quite frankly, I don't think my classroom authority depends on my clothing -- if I only had to teach and meet with my colleagues, maybe I would wear jeans every day (with button shirts or jackets).

But now that I'm in a halftime administrative role, I have a lot more meetings to attend, with deans and faculty from other departments & colleges. On our campus, the more money you make (i.e., the higher up in administration you are), the more conservative and formal your dress has to be. So the President's office is super-corporate, the Deans are in jacket & tie but not always suits, and our department Chair wears a tie every day, mostly with jacket but not always. Faculty from some other departments are worse dressed than we are in the humanities (i.e., the chemists and physicists) but the professional schools have much more stringent codes. (Of course, those faculty also make way more money than the rest of us do.) When I'm meeting with these people, I still am trying to prove myself in certain ways -- and it's easier to do if they're not also judging me on my appearance.

When I first came to this campus as a new assistant professor, I definitely cared more about what I wore, and I created a sartorial persona which helped me mark clear boundaries between myself and my students (who were and are often my age or older). I looked younger than I was, and people often commented that I didn't "look old enough to be a professor" -- which I found incredibly demeaning and irritating. So wearing a jacket every day helped me look like a professor, and more importantly, it helped me feel like I was at work. Having clothes that are for work, and clothes that are for play, helps me organize my life. And for a long time that's how I've wanted it.

But lately, my jeans keep calling to me. Is it because they're comfortable? Because I am older now, and I have tenure, and I care a lot less about what people think? What would it mean to wear jeans more frequently to the office? I don't really know. But after mulling it over for a few days, I think that I want to keep my jeans for Fridays and my days off, and the occasional rainy day when I feel crappy and need something extra fun. I think I still need to have separate categories of clothes.

But my wardrobe still needs some overhauling. Too many things that I don't really like any more, or that I still like but suspect that they are too worn or too far out of style. One of my colleagues wears these high-waisted jeans that make me crazy because they look so painful and so ugly. I don't wear high-waisted pants, but maybe my students or colleagues think something similar about one of my favorite old outfits.

So I think I need to go shopping and get some new clothes in honor of the new school year and my new older tenured semi-admin persona, whatever that's going to look like...

8/10/2005

updates

Well, my getting up early plan is going pretty well. I just have to be careful not to start thinking about anything after 10:30 pm, because then I'll wake up and not be able to go to bed early enough to get up so early. (I'm really looking forward to that part of old age when you don't need as much sleep-- there are so many things I like to do when I'm awake.) It hasn't fixed all of my work issues, but it is helping with depression and my general attitude, so that's good.

The baby birthday party was kind of awkward and kind of fun. Thanks to all of the good suggestions for a gift, I brought a board book that apparently they didn't yet have, and which even got the approval of two of the Moms who were there -- who had completely ignored me for two hours previously. It's rare that I'm the only childfree person in a room, as well as the only gay person. When I first arrived at the party, L, the husband half of the host couple was there, plus 3 Moms and 4 1-year olds. The Mom women just kind of looked me up and down, I didn't fit any of their categories of people to talk to, and they decided to ignore me. Which was OK -- I played with the dogs (who I know from the dog park) and hung out with L. Then two more Dads arrived, who were more friendly to me but were so busy with their cell phones and Crackberries that they were only half present. It was all really interesting anthropologically speaking -- I'm not usually around that many upper middle class conventional people. It definitely seemed that in this really gendered atmosphere, I was being treated more like a guy. And that's fine, but funny to me, since in an all-lesbian setting I'm definitely on the girly side. Gender is a fluid spectrum, for sure.

And then on Monday I had lunch with someone who might become a new friend! This is very exciting since I've been in a kind of hermit state for a long time. Suddenly this week I wind up with 3 lunches, two of them with people I don't know very well.

13 days before I teach my first class of the fall term. That's plenty of time, right?

8/05/2005

etiquette question

I've been invited to a 1 yr old's birthday party by her parents (obviously) who are people I like but don't know very well. It's also a party to celebrate their new AC, and is I think mostly geared towards their adult friends, but it is being called "[Baby's] Party."

Here's the question: do I bring a small present? I've sort of assumed yes, since it's a kid's birthday, even though she's little enough not to really understand all of that yet. But I don't know them well enough to know how they feel about consumerism, or what kind of toys she likes or has, etc. Or enough to spend much money. If she were at little bit older I'd bring one of several kid's books that I often give. Maybe I can go to Borders and see if there are 1-2 yr old appropriate books that aren't expensive. As an English teacher I can always make a joke about spreading literature early or something.

And, then, on the other hand, if you're not supposed to bring a present and I do that looks excessive. But if I email the dad and ask him, then he will undoubtedly say "no, don't worry about it" but then if everyone else brought something, I'll feel awkward. Which, since I don't know these people very well (they are dog park pals) I already expect to feel.

Can you tell that I have social anxiety?

8/04/2005

Change My Life plan

Well, I didn't get up early yesterday morning (after my previous post) , and then I felt all grumpy about it.

But today? I got up before 7:00 and I made it to 8:00 yoga. Virtue and happiness are shining out of my pores.

I actually prefer to exercise in the afternoon or evening, after I've had the chance to stretch out during the day. My focus is better, and I can rid myself of any stress from the day. At 8:00 a.m. I don't yet usually have any stress. But I've realized that the stress of not being sure if I'll be able to make it to class in the afternoon is worse than the drawbacks of morning exercise. Plus I'm a much nicer person after yoga, so why not have that throughout the day?

At another level, too, trying to get up early is part of my ongoing struggle with depression. If I make a commitment to get up early and follow through on it, it really helps set the tone for the rest of the day. Not to mention all the good effects of a hot yoga class. I know that there really isn't any moral virtue to what time of day you get up. Many of the most productive people I know are night owls. I used to work late into the night myself. But the flexibility of an academic schedule (particularly in the summer when I'm not teaching), which I prize greatly, can also be really problematic and overwhelming for me when I'm depressed. I get up kind of late, and then have a hard time organizing my time productively.

So my Change My Life plan looks something like this:
  • get up early to go to 8:00 yoga at least 4 days a week
  • try to wash dishes and do all the kitchen chores before bed so I don't wake up to them
  • work on writing projects 6 days a week
  • take one day totally off each week
  • eliminate piles of paper, books, and miscellaneous stuff
The last point will be the hardest one to achieve, but actually might improve my mind more than anything else. I've been really loving my new office on campus -- because I just moved into it, and because the semester hasn't started yet, my desk is still totally clear. I put everything away each night and when I walk in there I feel so calm and happy. Achieving that at home will be much harder (there are more surfaces to watch out for, and more kinds of things that accumulate). Piles create stress for me, even when I'm the one who created them. One of the best organizational books I know is How To be Organized in Spite of Yourself which I found at the library many years ago. It's sort of the Myers-Briggs of organization -- you take a few little quizzes and figure out which space & time profile fits you. Unlike most organization books which proclaim one method as the only way to do things, this book offers you different strategies. Some people need to see everything in front of them to understand their work; some people feel happier having a clear desktop. I'm definitely in the latter category. Having my beautiful clear office at campus has reminded me of how important that is, so it's something I want to actively work on at home.

If I can put this plan into effect for the next two weeks, I'll be halfway to habit formation when the semester starts. Hopefully then it will stick.

8/03/2005

dear internet,

Why do you keep me up so late? I know, I know, it's not really late by my usual standards. But I'm trying to get up early these days. Why? Because I want to change my life. Because I feel all virtuous 'n shit when I get up at 6:30 or 7:00. Because I can be sure I'll make it to yoga even on days when I have meetings in the late afternoon and have dog duty during the summer's extended evening. Because I've done it before, and it worked out OK -- didn't I write my BA thesis when I used to get up to meet my then-gf for frickin breakfast before she taught at 8:00? Didn't I used to get up awfully early to walk in to campus at 7:15 when there'd be other foot commuters when I did my MA in Rather Dangerous Neighborhood? I know I've gotten up early in the past, and if I can just get into a daily routine, it'll be easy. Didn't I impress myself on TWO weekend mornings recently by going to 8:00 yoga?

But internet, it's your fault that my Change My Life program keeps hitting speed bumps. I was falling asleep two hours ago -- but could I actually just go to sleep. Noooooo. I had to wash face, brush teeth, and then I gave in to the Demon who whispered "just check email and a couple blogs for a minute -- you're awake from the face-scrubbing anyway." And here we are 1 hour 48 minutes later. I'm going to get up early tomorrow anyway, just to spite you, internet. Because maybe eventually I'll really be able to reset my internal clock. Or at least I'll be so tired that I just won't care anymore...

8/01/2005

on trying to find friends

Camicao writes a good post about the difficulties of finding friends once you're out of graduate school. I know I've touched on this topic myself several times in the past year, but it's definitely been on my mind lately. His post focuses on the issue of boundaries: (how) do you form friendships with people across the tenure line? with students? with staff?

In general, I'm a big believer in social boundaries. And I think most junior faculty, and anyone new in a job, would do well to avoid crossing most of those category lines until they have been at a new institution for at least 6-12 months. It can take that long to really understand the culture of a new place, and to learn who you can really trust. There are some departments where faculty and graduate students routinely play basketball together, socialize at parties, and even form romantic relationships. There are some where the slightest appearance of faculty-student friendship would be cause for gossip. You are in the fishbowl during your first year at a new place -- everyone really is watching you. And yet, you are new in town and probably desperate for some social contact. It's a really tough situation.

And now 8 years later, it's easier in some ways (I'm not under the threat of tenure any more, and I know who of my colleagues are paranoid, who are the gossips, and who are OK) -- but the basic problem of finding friends -- real friends -- remains. Part of this is my own fault -- I don't attend church, I can't muster enough idealism to get involved in political campaigns in this Red state, and when pressed to think of a hobby that would somehow introduce me to people, I really can't come up with much. I have met people at the gym, and at yoga, though those are just casual "say hi" acquaintances.

Two of the best friends I've made since living here required me to loosen my own sense of propriety and boundaries. Because many of our students are working adults, they are often my age or older. A couple of these former students and I have, once they are no longer in my class or potentially in my class (i.e., graduated, or they were never in our dept to begin with -- I teach several non-specialist courses) carefully negotiated the shift from student-teacher to friends. It doesn't always work out, but when it has we've been able to get past the institutional hierarchy that once existed. But that was a risky-feeling step for me as a junior person, one taken only very carefully. My friend M is now one of my best friends. The sad part is that he and his partner moved away a couple years ago, so now he's another long-distance telephone friend. I have several of those -- it's harder to find someone you'd want to share a meal with, or go see a movie with.

I've never wanted to become close friends with any of my colleagues -- my awareness of that professional relationship prohibits the kind of trust and sharing that is part of a real friendship for me. I'm friendly with some of them, sure -- but our friendship won't ever get to a very deep level. Even the best of them share a lot of things with other people (gossip is an academic vice I think) and that makes me feel cautious.

And, as adults, it can feel very risky when you try to meet new people, or try to move a casual acquaintance to a new level. The dog park where I take our dogs to run every evening serves for me like the neighborhood bar -- if you feel like chatting with the other regulars, you can, but you don't have to have any very involved relationship with anybody. Plus, there are always the dogs to talk about. Recently, two different people at the dog park made overtures of friendship, suggesting that we arrange to get together sometime for coffee or a meal. I responded enthusiastically in both cases -- surprised at one, but not at the other. And yet, nothing has come of it. Maybe we're all just too busy. Maybe they had second thoughts. Maybe we're concerned about what would happen to the easy casual chitchat at the park if we tried to have a more sustained conversation and it didn't work.

The only consolation is that everyone I know who is in my age bracket (30s/40s) and who doesn't have kids feels the same way. It's hard to meet people who you'd want to be friends with, and who have the time or energy to be friends. Because, quite frankly, my own time and energy are pretty limited -- which tends to cut off potential friendships before they can happen. College is easy because you have a lot of hanging around time. Even graduate school involved long coffeeshop hours etc. Who has that kind of time these days?

7/30/2005

lawn

I mowed our lawn last night. The first time in my life that I have ever mowed a lawn. (That's what happens when you grow up in Egghead Family: you've read the Odyssey, seen Renaissance paintings, and understand the Library of Congress cataloging system, but you don't know how to mow a lawn. Or check your car's oil, or repair a toilet, or any number of other things I've taught myself along the way to adulthood.) We had a pretty large yard growing up, but neither of my parents ever considered that they would mow it themselves. (Because they were Eggheads, and also because they had very specific ideas about how to demonstrate their middle-class status, which was important to both of them.)

When I left home, I lived in apartments, and happily never thought about outdoor plants. When my partner and I moved in together a few years ago, it was to a house, the first one I'd lived in for many years. According to the lease, the yard was to be kept up by someone else, so we didn't get a mower. When we wound up having to take care of it, we borrowed the neighbor's. Or, to be precise, my gf borrowed the neighbor's temperamental lawnmower.

I have a very strong fear of fire and explosions, so gasoline-powered lawnmowers have always made me nervous. (Not that I've ever seen one explode, but having all that gas around freaks me out.) So when we moved to our current house, and knew we'd be responsible ourselves for the lawn upkeep, I lobbied for us to get an electric-powered mower. (My gf, who usually does the lawn, ruled out the old-fashioned push-only style.) So we got a Black & Decker electric mower, which I already thought was great: much quieter than a gas mower, and no pollution. The simple engines that run gas mowers produce horrific amounts of waste. And now that I've actually tried it out I love it even more -- it's safe and simple enough for me to use without being afraid of explosions, maiming, or losing an eye to flying rocks. (Yup, I'm the Safety First! officer in our household.) You plug in the extension cord and there's a squeeze trigger you hold as you push the mower. Want to cut the engine off? just release the trigger. There's no way it can run off by itself or chew a hole in anything. It's awesome. We have a small city yard, so 200 ft of cord is plenty. If you had a lot more territory, the cord might be a pain to manage. But for a small-medium yard, it's no problem.

So I cut the grass and it was actually kind of fun. I like any task where you can so clearly see your progress as you go along.

7/27/2005

bitch-ing

I've been skimming through some of the essays in the collection The Bitch in the House which fortuitously showed up on the browsing shelf at my local library branch two weeks ago. I'd heard about it when it came out (winter 2003 I think) but wouldn't have made any effort to locate a copy. But, it showed up and I checked it out, and have been thinking quite a bit about it since I myself have become a horrible bitch of late.

Some of the essays are quite good (i.e., well written and/or thought provoking) and others are not. 26 women of varying ages, most of them "writers" (journalists, novelists) wrote personal essays on a variety of topics. Marriage, singledom, relationships, childrearing, etc. The editor's starting point was her own overwhelming feelings of rage towards her husband and children even as she recognized that she had a more equitable marriage than her parents did, that she had a life that allowed her to have a creative career and a home life. Although many of the lives described in this book bear no resemblance to mine (my partner & I have 1 1/4 incomes, no kids, no legal marriage), some of them do at least in one important respect, which is that these women are trying to balance work & life when "work" doesn't necessarily mean "go into the office." Most accounts of work/family balance rarely examine the pressures of work-at-home couples (and several of the authors in this collection are partnered with other writers or artists).

Glancing back at the editor's introduction, she writes that the collection was born out of conversations she had with friends about their marriages, and that she felt that learning other women's stories helped her understand her own position. Basic feminism 101. Which I agree with, even when the reading is pretty depressing.

But one of the things that struck me was -- do people really talk to their friends about their marriages this way? When I was single & dating, I would talk over every detail, every drama, every upturn and heartbreak with my closest friends. But once partnered and committed, I really haven't. It would seem disloyal. Once I've introduced my close friends to my partner, and wanted them to like her, it would be unfair to then ask them to listen to me complain about some stupid thing. Or even about a not so stupid thing. This is the best relationship I've ever been in, and I treat it as permanent. So I don't talk about it with anyone. And I don't usually blog about my relationship life either.

But I've been a total bitch lately. I feel bad about my behavior, and I'm trying to squelch it, but I've been awful. It's all tied up with some of the same issues treated in this collection of essays -- the pressures of domesticity, the difficulty of balancing two creative careers. That balance isn't really about equity. Even in typing this, I'm thinking "get over yourself" -- I don't have kids, after all, and I have a pretty great life. But the domestic really overwhelms me sometimes. It's hard for me to just block it out, focus on what I ought to be doing. It's hard to be the wife and the breadwinner. It's hard to be the responsible one and try to have smart ideas. I know my anger about trivial stuff is really just misdirected anger at myself. I know I have to take more responsibility for my feelings and get over them. But until I figure out how to do all of that, I've been horrible to be around. I'm lucky that my partner is still putting up with me.

lightbulb moment of the morning

For the past several days, I've been having this nagging tightness and pain in my left hamstring, up near the ischial attachment. I've been stretching and doing pressure point work to relieve the pain, but until this morning had been really puzzled as to the cause: my workout routines hadn't changed significantly, my shoes are in decent shape, and I hadn't had any noticeable falls, sprains, twists, or other injuries. The only thing I had been doing was stepping up my time at the computer, which if it isn't arranged just right sometimes gives me problems in my shoulder. Because I've had issues in the past (dissertations are killer on the body) I have an ergonomic chair, an adjustable keyboard, and an adjustable computer table. After our move to this house I spent a few days trying to get everything adjusted again, but I'd thought it was set up OK.

And then finally the lightbulb went off. Our house is old, with wood floors that are no longer level in some places. So a couple of doors tend to swing open or shut, there's a cupboard that doesn't stay closed, that kind of effect. And I finally figured out that my desk chair is excellent for my spine, but the floor it was positioned on was tilted. Wedged a folded towel under one side and a-ha! my leg is happy again.

This is why certain mechanical problems (whether of machines, the muscular/skeletal body, or computers) really appeal to me. If you just start thinking clearly enough about chains of causes and effects, you can eventually get to an answer.

7/26/2005

to anyone else I know about to have a baby:

Please, please, please. If you send out a mass email to your friends with a link to an online photo gallery of "photos of the new baby," WARN ME if the slide show is going to include completely horrific explicit photos of the actual birth. I was eating my lunch & checking my personal email. I was not expecting to have to see your genitals (I don't know you that well), or your blood-covered baby, or the cutting of the umbilical cord. At that point I managed to hit "stop" on the damn slideshow -- I was only on slide 5 or 6 out of 45!

Eeeccch. Now I feel kind of queasy. Not at all like going out and buying you a baby present.

7/24/2005

house clothes

Many years ago, when I was a young and impressionable MA student, I went with a friend to see another grad student from his department. We were going to look at her laptop because he was thinking about buying one. So we went to the other side of the city where she lived with her husband who had some sort of real job, and stopped by her house in the late morning. This visit made a huge mark on my young mind because she was "studying for her comprehensive exams." Something which we knew we would have to do soon. She had an organized system of notes involving massive 3-ring binders. She had an incredibly charming little apartment in a funky neighborhood. And she was wearing an outfit that managed to strike the perfect balance between at-home studying comfort and super-cuteness. In short, I was in complete awe of this woman -- she had a kind of life that seemed so far beyond my sloppy student ways.

Reaching further back into my memory, I pull out the mesh shirt my dad used to wear at home around 1980 or so. No doubt a horrific fashion artifact were it to survive today. But it was comfortable in the hot summer, and my dad (an academic himself -- I grew up in the Egghead Family) spent most of his time in his big chair reading and writing. If he were going to leave the house, then he'd put on a t-shirt or even a real shirt. My parents each had several definite categories of clothes: dressed up, full-on professional, semi-professional, respectable casual, errand-running, and house clothes. At home, my mom even wore those old-fashioned "housedresses" that snapped all the way down the front. You didn't wear your street clothes around in the house unless you were expecting company, in which case everyone had to move up a level or two in attire. (And you had to dress up to get on a plane, but that's another story...)

About an hour ago, my partner returned home with a bunch of 20-somethings who are working with her on a project this summer. I was in my house clothes and -- a sure sign of middle age -- didn't even care. Of course, in the summer my errand-running or acceptable casual clothes are pretty comfortable and not dressy at all (t-shirts, jeans). But today I've been doing chores and sorting through piles of stuff. I'm wearing men's basketball shorts and a gang-style t-shirt from the local neighborhood shop (a gift from my partner -- it's ironic we think, but even so I don't quite feel up to wearing it out of the house ever). I have flat hair from last night's ball cap (no shower yet today) and I'm wearing my glasses. My body parts are covered and I'm comfortable. But presentable? stylish? nope. Sometimes I think I'd like to be one of those people like the girl from our MA program, whose at-home clothes were cute and presentable at a moment's notice. But obviously my family's training wins out. And, just as wearing my teaching clothes puts me in the frame of mind to teach, wearing my at-home clothes helps me tackle the chores. But I'm definitely in at-home mind. When I make the grocery store run later, I'll have to change my clothes...

7/22/2005

Friday DOG blogging

I think she's enjoying her summer a bit more than I am . . .

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

7/21/2005

day at home

Courtesy of the washing machine repair guy, I spent the afternoon at home -- he arrived at the end of the four-hour window they'd given me. But actually that was fine -- my partner was out at work, and I got to enjoy an afternoon of light chores and some semi-professional reading. It made me realise how much of my summer I've spent at the office. Sometimes it's useful for me to have the structure of going in to work. But sometimes that can be its own distraction.

I'm still figuring out my non-computer work spaces in this house -- figuring out where the light is good when, and what the feeling of the house is. We're almost at the point where I can just settle down and live here -- there have been a lot of distractions this summer. Or a better way of putting it would be that I have been allowing myself to be distracted this summer. I'm trying to start a No Excuses rule. I'm just sick of hearing excuses coming out of my mouth.

And, now the washing machine works again. A loose wire connection apparently caused the problem. Unfortunately, if it happens again, it's in a place that would be very difficult for me to get at myself.

7/20/2005

why UT isn't wrong

So to spell this out as clearly as possible: I love reading, and have since I was 3 years old. I've devoted my adult life to studying and teaching literature. At the most basic level, I believe that reading is good for people -- the Harry Potter hoopla is great, as far as I'm concerned, even though I've never gotten as entranced by those books as many other people. Reading -- reading anything -- is good for the imagination, good for the mind's agility, good for expanding our sense of what it means to be human.

And I also care about books as physical objects. Much of my research deals with material from the historical past, and is concerned with details of publication history, physical formatting, and the technological and economic history of the book as a physical object. I teach my students about the development of the book, not simply since Gutenberg, but going back to the earliest systems of writing. Once you expand your concept of "book" to include not just printed texts, but medieval manuscripts on vellum, or Egyptian scrolls, or the clay tablets of Mesopotamia, you see how rich and various the book has been and will undoubtedly continue to be. Over the past 15 years or so there have been a variety of commentators exclaiming about "the death of the book" and complaining that you can't read a computer in the bathtub, as if that was the sine qua non of reading. Yes, I understand that books have become fetish objects for many people -- especially those of us in the academic tribe. But we are in a time of technologic shift,as new forms of electronic textuality become more widely available and affordable. Reading is still reading, even if you do it in a different way. For some of us, reading on a screen is still tiring. But for many younger people, that's what they're used to. When papyrus scrolls were beginning to be replaced by bound wax tablets in ancient Greece, older people probably complained a lot too . . .

These thoughts were prompted by this column in the Chronicle, which is typical of the fusty stance that many academics in the humanities seem to feel that they have to put on once they get a Ph.D. The columnist "Thomas Benton" has in earlier columns confessed to being an obsessive book collector, so maybe he's an easy target. But this column conflates too many different things and winds up not really saying much at all.

Yes, using rare materials in Special Collections departments can teach us a lot about the history of a text. Yes, browsing in the stacks of a library can create wonderful moments of discovery and serendipity. But that's for those of us who have devoted our lives to research. The typical undergraduate doesn't ever have that experience, in part because most fields of study at the BA level do not require significant advanced autonomous research.

University of Texas at Austin's much-cited decision to remodel its undergraduate library and relocate its books is hardly the death knell of libraries. At the 7 or 8 university libraries that I've been associated with over the past 20 years, in every case, the "undergraduate library" (sometimes a separate building, sometimes only a wing) was never a place for conducting research. Undergraduate libraries were designed to keep the drunken 20 year olds away from the precious materials held in the main library. So you might have some encyclopedias, dictionaries, other reference works, and a few tattered copies of classic novels. But these spaces have primarily been for students to sprawl and study.

At Ivyesque Public U, for instance, the undergrad library had five levels. Where you studied depended on who you hung with -- Greeks on one floor, engineers on the silence-only floor, random mixtures on others. Except for the bottom floor, which was the smoking floor. There, the English majors reigned supreme, joined by the neohippies and the clubkids. Good times.

At Prestigious Private U, the undergraduate wing had no barcodes on the books -- the library staff put old half-destroyed books in there that they wanted people to steal. But there were rarely any takers.

But if you had research to do, at these and other campuses, everyone knew you went to the main library. Chances are, something similar goes on at UT. So removing the old outdated dictionaries and putting in coffee and computers sounds like a great idea to me, in terms of retaining the library's place as a central location for studying & socializing. That's what the undergraduate experience at a traditional U is like.

7/17/2005

lost hours

Why is it that household problems become such a monkey wrench for me? Errgh.

Our washing machine -- our new f'ing machine -- stopped working today. Now, I didn't come home this afternoon planning to spend my time futzing around with the washer, or with anything particularly domestic. I wanted to take care of some bills, do some work, even do some reading that is semi-serious. So I came home, and thought I'd throw some towels into the washer. And then when it didn't work, I lost easily two hours, what with finding the manual, trying to figure out if there was anything I could do, cleaning various parts of the machine etc. I even watched the stupid DVD that came with it (this is why the manuals tell you less and less of any value, because they assume that users don't even know how to read and would rather watch a video.) And then I started looking around on the internet, and learned about all the other problems people have with this machine, but not about my problem.

I know, the machine is under warranty, and I just have to call Sears and get an appointment for a service guy to come out. As if that isn't a huge irritation. And I'm just afraid it will be something incredibly stupid that I didn't know to do or not to do.

And most irritating is that if I were the kind of person who could just shrug and say "oh well, it doesn't work" and go on about my own business I'd probably be so much more productive. But instead, I'm the one who has to try and understand the problem, and find the receipt for the warranty, and make the appointment, and be here when they come. I sometimes wish I weren't the responsible one in our household.

7/16/2005

visit

A long-time friend (which is truer than saying "old") came to visit today and that is a great thing. Of course, since we talk fairly often, it's not as if we're not pretty much caught up on each other's lives. But there's something different about hanging out in person. Eating good food, going out to a movie. Totally good times.

The movie we saw tonight, Heights, was very enjoyable. I like this sort of movie -- several intersecting lives in a short span of time. Little slices of the human experience. There were only a couple of wince-worthy lines -- the worst when one of the characters said something like "you know, most places there's six degrees of separation but here in New York it's only two degrees" -- which sets you up for the intersections among the various characters, but seemed a bit unnecessary. It's a little New Yorky in that way, but not oppressively so. I found the characters interesting, their situations compelling. Relationships are complicated, and it's nice to see a film that tries to do justice to that complexity without subsuming everything to a traditional romantic plotline. There is a bit of that in the ending, yet it's not too heavyhanded. Some star names in this one (Glenn Close is surprisingly good) but it's the lesser-known people who really shine.

And, we saw some good previews. I really love watching previews in the theater -- and I hate watching them on those DVDs that force you to sit thru them before the menu. Odd. In the theater it's all about potential, the unlimitedness of the movies -- reassurance that there will always be more movies I want to see in the future. On the DVD, it just seems like wasting time to sit thru a trailer, whether or not I saw the film being advertised or not.

7/14/2005

eye exam

In 2 hours I have to leave for my eye doctor appointment -- the routine eye exam and contact lens updating thing. So I'm frantically trying to fit all my reading and computer time into the first half of the day, since afterwards my eyes will be all dilated and useless for reading. I hate that part, the squinty drive home with my sunglasses plus the weird plastic roll-up ones they give you. And then waiting for several hours for my eyes to return to normal. (Somehow it seems to take longer the older I get. Or maybe I'm just more impatient?) Tasks I'm saving for post-appointment: washing dishes, laundry, sorting through some old things that I want to get rid of, mopping floors, and vacuuming the couch in preparation for Julie's visit this weekend! (I know, maybe cleaning the house with impaired eyesight isn't the best way of doing things, but I really need to keep working at the computer right now...)

7/13/2005

confronting my stereotypical expectation

It's always good to be shaken out of a stereotype I didn't know I held. This morning the gate was up in the parking lot, so some students were parking in what is usually only a staff/faculty lot. A bright yolk-yellow Mustang pulled into the space next to me. As I was getting my things out of my trunk, I glanced up to see the driver getting out, a woman in khimar & jilbab. Now I don't suppose the Qu'ran says anything at all about what kinds of cars you are supposed to drive and maintain your modesty. But somehow a Mustang doesn't seem to me to be the hijab sort of vehicle. But what do I know, right? My main associations with Mustangs involve Midwestern guys with mullets . . .

7/12/2005

summer

I came home today around 4:30 and thought I was just grumpy and out of sorts. I thought, "well, I didn't get enough sleep, and the sink is full of dishes to wash." So I washed the dishes.
And then I thought I felt weird because I hadn't eaten in a while, so I had a snack.
And I still felt bad, so I laid down on the couch.
And then it was time to take the dogs out, so I went to the park.
Then I thought it was the weather that was making me feel odd.
And then I realised what the heck was going on. I was having anxiety. The sort that sits an inch or two below my throat, squeezing hard. I hadn't had serious anxiety for several months, so long that I almost didn't recognize it for what it was. My mind hadn't caught up to my body to figure out that I was anxious.

So what triggered it? Lots of possibilities. The most obvious candidates are the fact that today was the beginning of my "real" summer -- and I spent nearly all of it at the office, trying to get things in order, rather than focusing on my Priority Project. Combined with lunch with two junior colleagues, whose talk about work definitely raised my stress and fostered a bout of imposter syndrome. After all, I have tenure. At some level, it doesn't matter if or when I publish my work. Except, of course, that it does matter -- we are constantly being evaluated, by our colleagues and chairs and deans and so forth. For all that I do seriously believe in the choices I've made, and the path I'm currently treading, I also know that there are things I would do differently if I could go back and change time.

The other plausible scenario is that some schedule changes and other things recently have evoked memories of last summer, when I was wrestling with serious depression, of a scarier sort than I'd ever had before. I'm in a much better place these days -- but I need to figure out a new version of summer to replace the model from last year. Because I certainly don't want to do that again.

7/07/2005

the last move I want to do for a while

My new office at the U rocks. It's huge, and I have natural light. It actually could be a nice space in which to work. Of course, it comes with major administrative duties, so there is a price I'm paying. But for now I'm thinking optimistically.

My predecessor in this post, Dr Frazzle, is someone who means well, but often doesn't know how to go about getting things accomplished. Plus, she's organizationally challenged, reduced to tears by the thought of having to create a spreadsheet, and never able to distribute memos or other materials without some kind of problem. So simply by being reasonably organized, I can do a better job than she did.

Of course, she wasn't entirely packed up for the move this morning, so I had to help her finish up. As we were doing this, I said something about having cleared out three boxes worth of papers for recycling yesterday. She said "I'm so worried about recycling in the department. Sometimes I find contaminants in the recycling container. We need to have signs. We need to educate people. I'm so worried about the recycling that I can't clean out my office because I worry about all the paper." O.M.G. I mean, I'm all for better signs over the recycling bin, and increasing awareness about recycling (although I actually think we're doing OK). But to use that as your reason for not cleaning out your files?

I'm feeling better and better the more stuff I can get rid of, in my office here at work, and in our new house. I realized last night that during the past six weeks I have now handled every single item that I own. Every book, every object, every piece of paper. Moving offices at work thus turned out to be a bit more involved psychologically or emotionally for me than I'd expected. Not because I'm especially attached to my old office. But because the last time I moved every single thing I own was when I moved across country to take this job. When I moved into my old office, I was a different person than who I am now. It's good to be aware of all the changes.

It wasn't planned, to do all this moving at the same time. But I think it's good, it seems to be loosening up something. A kind of life tune-up from the Universe. A chance to re-evaluate the material things in my life and free up some energy by clearing them out.

7/06/2005

packing the office

Because I didn't get enough packing and unpacking this summer already (ha!), I'm moving offices at work. Actually, it's because I agreed to serve as Director of Undergraduate studies in my department. So tomorrow I am moving to a much bigger and nicer office up the hall in the main suite, where the Directors, Chair, Advisors, and staff are located. So I get two windows (I've had none) and an extra bookcase! It will be a much more pleasant working space -- although with the downside of more interruptions and a greater expectation for my being in at the office and available.

It would be easy enough to simply dump my bookshelves and filing cabinets into the boxes and leave it at that. But since I have to handle everything, I might as well sort through it and get rid of stuff -- I know I have a lot of paper files that don't need to be kept any longer. Plus there's library books that could be returned, and my own books that I need to weed out and put some up for sale. It's not all going to happen today, obviously. I have limited time and energy for this sort of thing, especially since I've been doing so much sorting, purging, and reorganizing in my study at home as I try to get settled after our move. I'm ready to use my brain for other sorts of things.

So, the priorities for the rest of today:
  • finish sorting and clearing files and items from desk
  • move superheavy 1950s metal desk to wall to make room for boxes
  • purge filing cabinet 1 and box up the remaining files
  • box up filing cabinet 2 (these are already archive and utility files, no need to purge)
  • box up library books
  • box up my books
  • box up personal items
  • dismantle computer
Seeing it in a list makes it seem a little more manageable.

hoping for a good grade

I have a dentist appointment in an hour or so. Just a regular cleaning. My dentist is gentle, nice, and smart -- she actually pays attention to you and even does the cleaning herself. And I'm not nervous in general about going to the dentist (the way I am about doctors, for instance). No, it's the fear of being graded. Going to the dentist brings up a particular kind of anxiety about being evaluated -- and evaluated on things over which I have no control (genetics), plus behavior (which I do have control over, but always know I could be doing better...)

So far, I've been blessed with solid (though crooked) teeth and having grown up in the age of flouride. I have no cavities, though I do have gum recession caused by the years of braces etc when I was young. Which probably makes me more anxious each time . . . is this the year I'm going to have a cavity? (my dad was 43 when he got his first one, and I basically inherited his teeth, so I've got a couple more years I hope) And even worse is sitting there as she reads off the gum measurements to her assistant. I'm always wondering, is it worse than the year before? Will I get a passing grade?

Update: not only did I pass, but she said complimentary things to me about my clean back teeth. whew!

7/05/2005

movie roundup

Some quick thoughts on things I've seen lately:
  • D.E.B.S. (2005 DVD) -- there's a 10 minute short film that I saw at a festival that was the basis for this 90 minute feature -- and when I saw the short, which is funny, sexy, and appealing, I had to wonder how it could possibly be extended into a full-length film. And I don't think it was that successful. Premise is that the SAT is secretly a spy training selection test, and there's an academy of young girls in plaid skirts with big guns training to take out super assassins. It's kind of campy, but in places it wants to be serious too -- and that's where it isn't very succesful. The lesbian love story between one of the spies and the assassin works OK, but the scenes with the rest of the DEBS squad are really lame. Worst problem for me is that director Angela Robinson doesn't just "evoke" 80s classic movies (as one interview I just saw suggested) -- she blatantly lifts huge sections of plot and dialogue from my all-time favorite 80s teen movie, Valley Girl. When homage begins to look like theft, you've lost the audience you might be trying to woo with your references (ditto with her soundtrack).
  • Saving Face -- here, on the other hand, is a lesbian film that manages to use existing conventions of the romantic comedy plus the cultural clash/1st-generation comedy and still come up with something sweet and new. Plus, I haven't seen any feature-length Chinese-American lesbian films before. Recommended.
  • Mr & Mrs Smith -- beautiful people, lots of explosions, fine for a really hot summer day. Though after the first couple of minutes you kind of forget how good looking these two are -- without ordinary looking people around them as contrast, they sort of cancel each other out. The whole film works as a fantasmatic version of couples therapy (which serves as the narrative frame) -- the stages of identifying problems, anger, each person having the option to end the relationship, and then uniting as a team against some other enemy -- which might not be how couples therapy works for everyone, but that's how it worked for us a few years ago. So I appreciated the wit of this film in playing it outin the most exaggerated symbolic way possible -- because, after all, that's how the subconscious works.
  • Crash -- good attempt to open more dialogue about race and racism in urban settings -- plenty of moments that make you wince, which I think are good and hard to achieve. But the film doesn't quite follow through on its gritty approach. I think maybe the conventional plot coincidences and twists are there to try and manage the material, but one in particular really deflates the film.
  • The Story of Us (DVD) -- ok, I know the preview for this movie made it look terrible. I only rented it because I'm on a Bruce Willis kick in my Netflix queue. And because it's a Rob Reiner film. And I'm glad I did. It's basically When Harry and Sally Hit Midlife. More thoughtful and funny than I expected (only terrible scenes are when the kids are on screen, but that's pretty rare).

6/30/2005

wedding gifts

There are many ways in which I don't fit the stereotypical image of the lesbian -- and other moments when I just have to embrace the stereotype and chuckle. Like just now when I was scrolling through the Target wedding gift registry to find a gift for an upcoming wedding of an old (straight, male) friend. What did I find? A cordless drill set. A-ha! who but the lesbian is going to give them a drill for their wedding. At least I know it's the one they wanted.

When my partner and I got married, we were part of a marriage equality protest, so we didn't do the big celebration and invite everyone and rake in the loot. Maybe we'll have some other ceremony in the future (though the way the political scene is looking, our commitment won't be legalized til we're in rocking chairs at the old lesbians' rest home) and have the big party for friends and family. But we received two wedding gifts from friends who heard about our marriage. A very nice gesture, totally unexpected and unnecessary. But the amazing thing? Both people gave us the exact same thing: the Tivoli bowls from Crate & Barrel. Now, these are a nice present -- one I've given occasionally myself for wedding showers and the like. But what are the chances of our only wedding gifts being identical? Do we seem like people who don't have enough bowls? Are we round (um, yes) and cheerfully multicolored (no, but our house is)? Too funny.

So, one more reason I always buy from the wedding registry if possible. That way I know no one else sent them the drill set.

6/29/2005

almost there

One more day of summer school. Plus giving & grading a final exam. I plan to kick back and read Blink and Thinks* during the exam in celebration of being done. I usually try to use that 3-hour block in some super productive way -- grading or reading articles. Though trying to concentrate while watching my students writing their tests is rarely that successful for me. So this Friday I'm going to just enjoy my reading.

*Blink is the book on mental processing that was making the rounds many months ago. Thinks is the title of a David Lodge novel I've been reading this week -- also, oddly enough, about cognitive processing, but also about academic types having love affairs and social intrigue.

I am really looking forward to establishing some sort of different routine for the rest of the summer. I've been really trapped in some bizarre makeshift arrangements of both space and time created by our moving house plus summer school. Add to that two scoops of isolation and a handful of depression and you get a tired cranky me. It's all been viciously circular -- I'm isolated because I can't see anyone because all my weekend is spent either sleeping or dealing with house stuff. (Well, and the fact that most of my local friends have proven themselves to be (1) unreliable, (2) liars, (3) tormented by their own life choices, or (4) busy with kids. I'd be looking for new ones but I've been kind of busy.)

So this weekend I'm going to face up to setting up my study at our new house -- our respective studies are for some reason the scariest rooms for us to organize. (At least my gf is in this neurosis with me, to some extent.) I've even been subconsciously punishing myself I think by not setting up my computer fully -- I had to set it up in a very minimal way just to get our internet up. But no sound, no peripherals, and I don't even have my table adjusted properly. All of which has been a big obstacle to blogging. Never mind anything else fun online. It's either punishment or a purposeful block -- because if computing were too comfortable and easy, maybe I'd never get this room properly set up.

On the flip side: we all really love our new house. Even the dogs are happier here. And my gf and I have been watching the 5th season DVDs of the Sopranos nearly every night, which we'd been waiting a long time for (no spoilers please, we don't have cable so we DON'T know what happened). And after I get through next week (which involves a trip to the eye doctor, a trip to the dentist, and moving to a new office at the U) Summer Will Be Mine, All Mine.

6/27/2005

the worst five ways to wake me up

A new one to add to the list of ways I don't like to be woken up at 3:30 a.m. -- Having the police going through our yard with flashlights and dogs. We called the dispatch office, and apparently someone had dropped a stolen car a couple of blocks away and they were looking for the suspect who'd fled on foot. There's been some sort of police activity in every neighborhood I've lived in at one time or another, and in and of itself it's only mildly upsetting. But it kind of gets your adrenaline going and then it's really hard to get back to sleep.

I think the other things on that list would have to be: dog vomiting in the bed; dog peeing in the bed; prank phone call; and smoke alarm going off.

In the grand scheme of things, all small annoyances. But they don't seem small during the wee hours.

6/24/2005

Friday!

One of the things that teaching summer school has made me very aware of is how accustomed I've become to the usual rhythms of the semester -- there's the semester-long rhthym of energy & enthusiasm, followed by a kind of settling down, and a midterm lagging of energy, then a renewed focus until the chaos of the last couple weeks -- for both me and the students. And there's also the week's rhythm -- which for me generally involves two intense teaching days, usually T/Th, with M/W being devoted to meetings, class prep, and research. Fridays are traditionally my day off, with writing and grading on the weekend. There are variations due to schedule changes and special events, but I've become very used to the on-off energy cycle, which suits me well. I'm comfortable performing in the classroom and dealing with students, but I'm essentially an introvert, so I need time to recharge after working with other people all day. Having a day inbetween teaching days gives me time to process what's going on in class and plan for the next day at a deeper, energetic kind of level -- not just reviewing the material and making handouts, but a different sort of planning that happens subconsciously but makes possible those spontaneous decisions that often produce great classes.

But in summer session, it's MTWH -- so the top-level prepping is manageable, but the deeper processing isn't happening -- nor the recharging. By Friday, I'm really wiped out and don't want to talk to anyone. Then I act like a hermit all weekend to make the next week possible. I'm not complaining -- I needed the extra pay (paltry though it be) and there's only one week left -- I can do anything for five weeks. But it's made me extra grateful for the schedule I'm usually able to work out, to fit all my classes into two or sometimes three long days. Those days inbetween are really important for my teaching, in ways I hadn't fully realized before.

6/20/2005

pith

I haven't been writing much because I've been thinking. (how's that for an excuse)

I've been mulling over a conversation I had with an old grad school buddy this past weekend, which is also resonating with discussions we're having at the reading blog for D. Hall's The Academic Self.

I suspect I'll have more to say, there or here, in the days to come. But this is the pithy version:

Tenure represents freedom, an end to many forms of constraint. So why is it that so many of us sit around polishing our shackles instead of noticing that the lock is now open?

6/18/2005

plagiarism II

In follow-up to my last post and the comments it received:

In fact, because of the kind of peculiar & particular assignments I write and the strong education my students receive in the correct use of sources, I very rarely have to deal with cases of plagiarism. This is only my third case at this institution in eight years. And yet, as several commenters suggested, some students will still try to cheat, no matter how well they've been taught or what institutional blocks or punishments exist.

I always follow the procedures of my institution, which include a set series of sanctions and hearings, (some of which can be waived if the student admits fault). Most important, an official record is then kept at the department and at the college level. For a first time offender, depending on the gravity of the case, the sanction allows the student to remain in the class and learn from the situation. But if a student is a second time offender in the college, sanctions are much steeper, and with good reason I think. If faculty just let it slide, or fail an assignment (or even the course) without confronting the student about the reasons for the F, there is no opportunity for the student to learn from his/her error, and no record in the system.

As some have suggested, there are different reasons that students try to cheat -- sometimes it is really out of ignorance. Sometimes it is a sign that a student is overwhelmed in various ways. And sometimes a student is just trying to squeak through without doing the work that s/he is supposed to. When possible, I turn an incident of cheating into a learning experience. So I wouldn't say "I hate you" to a student caught cheating, but I have said "I am really disappointed in you" and gone on to explain why cheating is wrong.

My post (since it's on my blog and all) really wasn't about my student, or how I'd deal with the situation. It's about my feelings of anger and distrust when I first discover a cheating student, which have remained pretty consistent in the fifteen years I've been teaching. Because it breaks the implicit and explicit contract between us as teacher and student, and as human beings acting in good faith. Because I've never cheated on anything in my life, and I can't imagine doing so. Because, as a teacher of literature and writing, I believe that understanding the thoughts of others, developing our own individual perspectives, and learning to express our own ideas, is a fundamental opportunity for our growth as human beings.

So yeah, I'm responsible and pedagogical and all of that when I actually deal with a plagiarist. But the day that I discover the cheating? I'm pissed off. And with good reason I think.

6/16/2005

to the plagiarist in my summer class

Dear Plagiarist,

Here are some of the many reasons I hate plagiarism and those who practice it.
  1. You have now wrecked any chance you had of getting fair and even treatment from me. Even if you apologize and fulfill the sanctions recommended by my institution (which in this case probably will not include failing the class, since you are apparently a first-time offender) I will never be able to read your work without suspicion. In fact, I can't even look at you right now without feeling a wave of hostility.
  2. You have destroyed the atmosphere of trust and intellectual inquiry that I've been creating for this course during the term. Your actions make me feel more suspicious towards my other students as well, not just you.
  3. Based on your other written work, which I went back and double-checked today, you are certainly smart enough to have written your own midterm. The other students wrote perfectly decent exams on their own power. If I thought you were simply stupid, or simply malevolent, it would be a sad case. But since I don't think you are either of those things, your case is both sad and irritating. Are you just lazy?
  4. Do you really think I'm that stupid as to never have read the Spark Notes? I knew your stuff was cribbed from the first paragraph. But in the time it took you to carefully substitute synonyms for every fourth word could easily have been spent writing your own damn sentences.
  5. By the way, I grade exams pretty easy. Most people made at least a B- on the midterm. You probably would have too, if you had done your own work.
  6. You ruined my day. I hate you.
Sincerely,

Your Professor who's been working really hard and not sleeping enough in order to prepare and teach a decent class for you irresponsible unappreciative slacker.

6/15/2005

V

A couple of weeks ago, I was moving a plastic box in which I store letters that I've kept from various stages of my life (you know, back from the old days. I've also archived certain emails, but that's not a factor when you move house). Catching sight of an envelope with V's handwriting on it, I was thinking about her and wondering if I should try and get in touch. It's been a few years since we last wrote to each other. I think we last saw each other in person briefly in 1989, waving from two moving vehicles. Even then, it had been a couple of years since we'd been close.

We met during the first month of our freshman year at college. We were at a preppy East-Coast university which made it real easy for all of us alterna-types to find each other. I had met these two guys who were on the top floor of my dorm (one of whom went on to be a moderately famous indie alt-rocker) maybe the second day of our freshman orientation period. (They used to bring all the freshmen in early to drink themselves silly and bond with each other before classes began.) One day I looked out the window and it was raining hair. I went up to the top floor and I met V. She was balanced on the balcony ledge while crazy Rod shaved half of her head. On one side she had long blond hair to the middle of her back; on the other, short sexy stubble. (This was 1985, people. This was cool and gorgeous and still very brave.)

She showed up at my room the next day at 7 in the morning -- I was half asleep but oh so flattered. We were always enthusiastic about each other -- our friendship full of intensity and strangeness as only 18 year olds can have. She was the first woman I fell in love with -- but I didn't tell her. She was busy with various men, and hitchiking to Canada, and Bread & Puppet. She's a free spirit in a way I never ever would be. Which is probably what drew us together, I guess. Much, much later, she told me once that she'd been in love with me too. Which I count as one of two potential relationships that I'm glad never ever were acted upon. But I learned a lot from her, grew and stretched my boundaries in all sorts of ways. I also learned where I wouldn't go, what I wasn't really interested in trying or putting up with. Also useful to figure out when you're 18.

After a couple of years, we drifted apart, spending time in different circles. She had a boyfriend in Canada, I had my first serious girlfriend. She dropped out of school for a while, and I was planning to go to grad school.

A few years later -- 1991 or 1992 I think -- I sent a postcard to her mom's address to try and track her down. We corresponded for a year or two, pretty irregularly. She was living in an abandoned school bus in the woods, with no electricity and no running water. I felt weirdly ashamed of my growing investment in and reliance upon technology. Fascinated by her life, but kind of afraid of it too. I visited the state where she was living, but made no effort to try and go to see her. It seemed too awkward, too strange.

It's been a long time since we last wrote. But I guess I must have told her when I got the job at Large Urban -- maybe I sent a new address note, maybe we were still occasionally in contact. Or maybe she figured out a way to track me down (it's not that hard really). Because I got a card from her a few days ago, sent to my work address! So startling, and yet so familiar, since I'd been thinking about her so recently.

She's still living in the woods -- in a solar house she and her boyfriend built themselves, with an outhouse in the back. She has a 2 year old son. She teaches migrant workers. She's an amazing creative person who's living the kind of life she wants to, free from the expectations that most of us have. I'm delighted to hear from her, and yet wondering almost where to begin in replying. There's a lot to catch up on. It's kind of mysterious to me, how I can still feel connected to her after all this time, when we don't have much in common. That connection is boosted by the fact that she doesn't email -- it's a real letter, touched by her hand. And I have to write her back by hand. A different kind of thoughtfulness is involved, fitting for the resumption of a friendship so tenuous and yet apparently strong.

6/14/2005

signs and wonders

A sure sign that I need a haircut: Dr. Frazzle stopped me today in the hall and said, "oh your hair is looking so nice."

Today I am going to go to the gym. I have not been to any formal exercise setting in 26 days. I've taken long walks with the dogs, done pushups etc at home, and hauled plenty of heavy boxes around. But with all the traveling and moving, this has been the longest period in my adult life that I've gone without intense formal exercise, except for when I had mono. I've been pretty active and exhausted these past 3 1/2 weeks -- I literally haven't had enough sleep to fuel anything more intense than the work of setting up our household. So I knew that trying to get to yoga or the gym would have been counterproductive. It's been hard for me to learn as I get older that I can't just keep doing everything, all the time. But today I'm going to start getting back into my usual routines. On the up side, I haven't been so neurotic as to be obsessing over not working out; on the down side, my brain chemistry has been suffering.

Summer school is kicking my ass this week.

Two different students tried to work Michael Jackson into our discussion today. Not entirely succesfully.

My favorite typo, perhaps spell-checker generated, in a student essay was the discussion of how "selfless tanners" were being promoted as a response to health concerns regarding sun exposure.

The dogs have a play date tonight. We're going to meet a colleague and her pups at a dog park. I'm not sure how it will work out. Though I have a bit more social anxiety than our dogs do, so it will probably be fine.

Now, I need a play date, too. Though, if given a choice of activities, I would probably sleep through it.

6/13/2005

pathetic but true

It is now a proven fact that, if given the choice, I would prefer to clean dead bugs out of a cabinet than grade papers.

But, in my defense, I have to add that not being fully settled into our house is starting to drive me nuts. I really think there is some kind of amnesia built into the moving process -- every time I convince myself that it won't be so bad. But the disruption and upheaval is hard to deal with.

And did I mention that I'll be moving to a new office at the U later this summer? Though that is only one tiny room, just papers and books.

OK, now I'm really going to sit down and prep for the week ahead.

6/11/2005

we went to the movies

So we are trying this weekend to relax a little, even though we're not entirely settled in to our new place. Our favorite thing to do is to go see movies -- we're weeks behind on this, what with going out of town and packing and moving and unpacking and summer school...(best said breathlessly to get the real flavor of summer so far).

So today we went to see Kingdom of Heaven -- we'd been wanting to catch it on the big screen, since huge historical epics (& Ridley Scott spectacles) are things we both enjoy, and that don't really translate well onto our modest-sized TV. And, since I knew it was longish, I kept saying that we couldn't go to the 10:30 pm showing. So we caught a 4:00 movie (and got matinee price!) and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I know it's been getting mixed reviews -- and I'm the first to admit that I know diddly squat about the costumes, military strategy, political history, or religious customs of the Crusades period. It was convincing enough for me as a movie-watcher. Beyond that, as pure spectacle, quite enjoyable. And done with a message relevant to today's world.

Thursday night we saw Lords of Dogtown which was much less successful -- not quite fictionalized enough to make it substantially different than the documentary, not quite enough given to make you really care about the guys as people. Some good skating and pretty people in it, but that's about it.

Apparently we are on a testosterone kick this weekend . . . guess that means Longest Yard is up next.

Starting to feel more human. Though I have to grade papers tonight, so the reality of summer school is about to hit me squarely in the head.

6/10/2005

almost midway

...through summer school, that is. I'm hoping I'm a bit further along in the unpacking & settling in process.

So far, I'm not hating teaching during the summer. I don't know how I'd feel if I hadn't also been moving during this time, but I think it would be even better. (I wouldn't be quite so exhausted, for one thing). Though the chaos on the home front has meant that I have devoted only the barest minimum of time to prepping for class -- it's a class I've taught 8 or 9 times before, and I know the material extremely well. So I can get by with less than my usual prep routine. But even so, I had a couple of mornings this week when I went in to class feeling a twinge of guilt. I think I pulled it off OK, and I promise to be better prepared for some of the remaining texts.

What's been most interesting to me is the classroom dynamic. For some reason, my course was capped at a lower enrollment level than is usual during the regular semester (I just looked at our course roster for summer and it seems as though some courses were reduced and other weren't -- kind of mysterious, but I'm not complaining, since I really benefited) -- I always run this course with a lot of discussion, but that's been made even easier with the smaller numbers.

I think the students are learning each other's names sooner, and are (for the most part) very engaged with the material, since they're reading and talking (and often writing) about it every day. But normally in the semester version of the course, I begin to see real changes in the students as they struggle to make sense of the ideas of the class and apply them in their own lives. (This is a literature course cross-listed with gender studies, and includes basic feminist theory as well as literary texts.) It's much harder to see if any changes are occuring day to day, rather than week to week.

What I didn't expect was that the compression of the course, rather than its intensity, seems to be shaping my attitude towards the students. Sure, I want them to get as much as possible out of the books, out of my lectures, out of our conversations. I care about their performance and progress in the course. But in the back of my mind, I'm a bit more distant from them as people than I am with my regular students, who I get to know slowly. The speed of this course, for me, prohibits really getting to know them beyond the most surface levels.

Of course, I may feel differently at the end of June. But so far, it's not so bad, the course is going pretty well, and I know I can definitely use the extra money.

6/07/2005

simile

The best explanation for how I'm feeling right now about this move is that it's sort of like when you have a bad cold that includes sinus and nasal congestion. So bad that you can barely breathe, can't sleep lying down, etc. At such times (which thankfully happen to me very rarely) I get to a point when I can barely remember what it was like to breathe regularly and freely. When I'm resentful of all those other people running around with clear nostrils. When I swear up and down that I will remember this feeling of congestion and never again take breathing for granted.

Yeah, it's something like that. I'm really, really, really looking forward to the time when I will be able to just come home from the office and cook dinner and relax and take a shower and do all the ordinary boring stuff of regular life -- and not have to think about any of it. We are maybe one-third unpacked & settled in at this point -- enough to survive, but the end doesn't seem near either. There's still a lot of decisions to be made about where stuff should go. (The kitchen and bathroom in particular are completely differently configured in this house as compared with our last one.) And even for the things we have put away, it's not yet familiar to us. So every single thing I do, even making breakfast or taking a shower, requires a lot more thought and effort than it will in a month or two from now. At which point amnesia will start to settle in and I will forget the agony of this month. But for right now? I can't help but look at people in the grocery store and think how easy they have it, just stopping in for some food to fix for dinner. Someday I too will be so carefree.

finally

...we have internet up at home.

of course, now I have to leave for campus to teach. Sigh.

6/01/2005

dialogue

Current Self: My palm is out of juice. Where is my palm cradle? It must be in my "critical" box of stuff I knew I'd need to have during the move.

[looks in box. The cradle isn't there.]

Current Self: Old self, where did you put the cradle? Didn't you know I'd need to charge my palm before everything was unpacked?

[looks in box of small computer related things. The cradle isn't there.]

Old Self: Use your brain, silly. It has to be in a logical place. I packed everything in a logical place.

Current Self: A-ha! here it is. Why did you put it in the box marked "desktop"?

Old Self: Because it was on the desktop. I told you it was logical.

Current Self: Arrgh.

5/31/2005

footsore and tired

I'm at my office, having taught my first day of summer school -- I'm grateful to be able to check my email and just sit on my rear for an hour. Then I have to go back to the chaos.

Actually, things haven't been so bad. If I'd had more time to pack in advance, it might have been easier. But it is what it is. And we're getting through it.

Thursday we packed and bought a new (larger) bed & mattress.

Friday, the big day, went really well -- a very strong friend of a friend who was also a good truck-organizer (not all move helpers are) really saved our butts. So we got all the furniture and most of the heavy boxes moved Friday. We also put the new bed together and spent the night at our new place.

Saturday we unpacked a few boxes and went out to buy a washer/dryer. (We have so totally moved up the ladder of bourgeois comfort, it is a little scary. Also scary how much money you can lay out in a single weekend.)

Sunday and Monday was a mixture of unpacking at the new house and packing up the kitchen and odds and ends at the old. Amazing how many odds and ends there wind up being. All of this delayed by the plumbing problem that showed up Sunday afternoon -- a few hours later we had diagnosed the issue (a "slow pipe" -- something too big for us to handle) (after my gf bravely plunged and snaked to no avail) but at least we figured out how to have a workable toilet for the rest of the holiday weekend.

This morning our landlord had dug up the backyard and was replacing pipes when I left the house. You know the dogs are going to love the smell of the yard now. . .

I'm hoping to get the remaining things out of the old place tonight. Maybe do the final sweeping out tomorrow before turning in our keys. Cleaning out the old place is always the worst part for me -- I'm ready to be settling in to the new house, not cleaning up the giant dust bunnies that have suddenly come out from every corner.

Later this week our DSL gets turned on and our washer/dryer get delivered. Hopefully I'll get all the boxes emptied by the end of the weekend -- since I actually have to teach this week, it's going to be a little slower than I might like.

What I have learned: we are definitely getting older. The blisters on the feet, the sore hamstrings, the general tiredness are worse this time around. But my gf and I also work together as a team much better than we used to, so it's mostly been pretty smooth overall in terms of our getting along. Moving is such a weirdly emotional process. And isolating -- I feel so out of touch with the rest of the world -- I've had terrible internet withdrawal, and have barely talked on the phone to anyone either. (Plus not showering and wearing grubby clothes contributes to feeling out of sync with the world during our brief forays for food and coffee.) Up in front of class today I felt like quite an impostor, as I pretended to be articulate, sane, and organized. (I'd had to wash my face (no shower) at the old house because our water was off; I barely managed to find matching shoes; and I'm definitely underfed. But I managed the first day OK anyway.)

Maybe tomorrow I'll have a chance to actually read some blogs and see what you all have been up to. . .